Sunday Night Dog Fight

I don't know were this sprang from on a Sunday night, least of all why I felt it to be appropriate to put it on Twitter.

Maybe after the way things have panned out recently with my impressions of people I thought I knew changing, I feel like I need to justify my own pessimism at times.

Have a look.



Sometimes I feel like shouting out things I don't like about the people I care about, but then I realise I bite my tongue BECAUSE I care.

But then there is this fine line where I find it difficult to evaluate if I care enough to bite my tongue, or if I care too much not to.

At least I do it all with a smile on my face.

Monumental

That Island Boy

I’m such a heartless piece of shit.

Just going though, my room, and throwing out some old stuff.

Found a letter from a person who I think of every single day of my life,

Someone who I will always have a huge place in my heart for,

Someone who i treated so bad.

The biggest mistake i have ever made is letting you go.

I hate myself so much for what happened.

I’ve never lost intrest in you.

You are so perfect and I dont know why I never seen it before.

You understood me in a way like no other, you were the one person who i could tell anything to, even though i found it so hard.

I was immature, and stupid, and I cannot believe I gave up on you.

I’m sorry, I’m so so Sorry.

I will always have love for you.

I found this today as I was stalking.

As much as I still have a lot of contempt for Jack, and don't think I could ever be anywhere near on the level of friendship with him again after the way he acted during and after...

It's nice to know that someone, anyone, somewhere has once thought that about me.

He's a fuck up, but I still feel a huge sense of honour to have left an impression like that.

Right, self indulgence over. NEXT.

Too Much Today

2pm - Matt

Went for lunch with Matt. In retrospect, this was pointless. While I was there, it was all fine. Not enjoyable, but in a space where I thought it might even be worth building on. But now I come away, I don't hate but  just feel embarrassed for what he has become, and what reasoning he gave for why he remains happy. There is nothing left of the person I felt so much for, and nothing I can even grow to respect any more. There will always be a place for him, but something serious needs to change for me to embrace it.

5pm - Russell

I went to Russell's to drop off his birthday stuff. He wasn't even in. Fuck knows why, but I called him. Something which I rarely did when I was even with him. Maybe it was such a build up, I felt I needed to do something to make it known what I was doing, even to myself. He thanked me, it was awkward, but it was done. I didn't feel any better about it. Mug.

6pm - Ryan

Went for a drink with Ryan. Really really enjoying us getting along again. This isn't actually a moan at all, just making a point that I perhaps did too much in one day. I can openly talk to him about anything after all that's happened with us, and the thing I really like is he will give me advice and his view on it all, then take the piss and tell me I'm a dick. Basically, I need to laugh things off more because nothing is worth what I put myself through. If my relationship with him over the years has taught me anything, it should be that.

10pm - Shaun

I think I am playing with fire. But it feels so easy, and I don't want it to just be a back-up or a rebound. He shouldn't be like that, he should be so much more. He is one of the best. Glad I could end the day of doom with him. It sort of... puts it all into perspective a bit more.

The Job

So I have this awesome new job.

But I know nothing about it.

Allow me to explain...

I went for it after it was listen as an 'SEN Teacher'. Great, I thought. Exactly what I want. And from what we had been told, any interview experience is good experience. So I went along to the school for a visit, spoke with the deputy head about the role.

Turns out it was more one-to-one based, and I would be more of a support assistant for a particular child, working with him in and out of school. This didn't put me off at all - in fact, I felt far more comfortable with that than I probably would with an actual teaching job. I still don't feel like I'm quite ready to be a teacher yet, I don't think I could cope. Perhaps this is because it's been built up for so long... I don't know. Maybe I found comfort in the new description of this job because it is pretty much what I do already, just in a more school-based context.

The more I found out about the job, the more intriguing it became.

The pay was a little shy of what I would be getting as a starting rate for teaching, and I would only really be involved in school 3 days a week. There would be afternoons where I would work with the child in his home, or in the community, but this would literally be the one-to-one client services that I started doing when I was 17. In essence... I am now pretty overqualified for this.

But that in a way spurs me on even more - in a recent meeting, I was introduced as a support assistant and carer. In the general heirachy of the meeting, I was bottom of the pile (and also newest). After a while, I started to show my colours a bit more and the other members of the team were surprised at what I knew. This made me feel even more like I was in the right position to deal with this properly. I want to research things, put plans together, work with an attitude to move things forward for this kid. His family are lovely, and are in the position where they don't know much about what is going on and aren't being told. If anything, being a mediator is a position I am more than willing to take up.

As shocked as I am about how easy it seemed to land a job, I am still conscious of the fact I am not 'teaching' in the same route that I started the course to follow. But four years is a long time. Long enough for ideas and aims to change, and definitely long enough for you to be put off something.

I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. And the more that I find out, the more excited I get.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have something solid to hold on to, and a genuine sense of direction.

Just thought it was worth noting.

This One Drive

I took on Valentine's Day.

I shook all the way, and the skies were grey.

Ridiculous

Trying to fit everything I want to say into one text message. Or three as the case may be.

Four is too excessive, right?

Why, whenever a situation like this comes up, do I always get this inevitable wave of 'you only live once, just press send' coming over me?

Surely in my 22 years I have grown enough to judge something and think a situation through without leaving it to chance, fate and taking a risk.

Pathetic.

So there has been this letter sat on my desk for about a week, ready to send but I've been too scared to do it.

I would really like to go for a drink with you...

But I can't lie, I am still really cut up over losing you, and I've never felt like this before.

I think about you still every day, and haven't said anything because I don't want to bother you.

I hate that it's come to me telling you this over a text, but I didn't want to seem rude by not replying...

I'm sorry.

Man Up

Decisive Drafting

This is going to change things, and so it needs to be good.

I will write a letter here showing everything I feel, and then once it is all out, I will decide what to do with it.

There might be flowers again. There might be a CD.

There might be the usual cliché rubbish I do to show people I care. But this time it is going to mean something, it won't be done for show. It will finally be for my own benefit, not because I am trying to make anyone think any more or less of me.

Musings on Jellyfish

So I watched the film 'Seven Pounds' tonight.

And after all the sentimentality, shmultz, shock plot twists and 'this should make you cry and think about your life' ending, the main thing I got from this is how freaking weird jellyfish are.

I know (and have been told) about how they are probably stunted in some evolutionary way, but my god. What happened? They are barely there. What are they here for?

I often wonder how certain things work, and how certain odd animals or living things survive. Jellyfish sting their prey to death, then pull it up through tentacles and pretty much just decompose it inside themselves. Which may be a backwards, simplistic way of exactly what we do, but it sure as hell looks a lot weirder when they do it.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't no hater. I'm fascinated.

What Happened

I was aimlessly ambling along in this quite nice relationship, and I was content. Happy, and most definitely content. It wasn't blowing my mind instantly like things have before, but I found myself appreciating the fact that I didn't have to worry or assess myself far more of a comfort than the sudden instantness of past relationships.

I literally had no complaints.

So why did this happen? Why did I have to start the test?

I literally can't just let something lie, I have to push it to breaking point so I know it's true value.

And by doing that, I've devalued everything it stood for before.

I want it back, of course I do. I felt totally in control and positive about where it was going. I felt committed, and I will be the first to admit that commitment is something I struggle with. But there is this thing that still has me drawn in. It feels very similar to how it was left before, being stuck in 'limbo' while someone else makes the decision. I'm not even sure how I am in this situation - I was brave, and was the one who stated 'we aren't together now'.

I'm shitting myself, because this was supposed to be a test of how much I should mean to him.

How long is a test supposed to last?

Are we both singing from the same hymn-sheet?

Wait... have we actually broken up?

Shit...

Off my chest (1)

Despite the fact that I have never understood the concept of 'getting it off your chest' (surely what you need to remove is in your brain, not your chest?) I have decided that blogging about how I feel is not necessarily a bad thing if it helps me organise myself a little more. By all means this does not signify a change of pace for this blog, and I am in no way willing to use it entirely as a diary. However the whole purpose of it was for me to remember the important stuff. And some of this stuff might be worth remembering.

School and my future
I got a huge knock this week. One of my observations for a taught lesson went badly, almost verging on a fail as I later found out. While I would fully admit that I was struggling with the class so far, behaviour wise more than anything I would in no way say that they were beyond my control, and I still felt as if my role as teacher was beginning to stick. So the idea that I could have failed altogether did come as a shock. I took on board and identified with everything that got thrown at me, and know I need to improve on it. It is still early days, and it will clearly take time to adapt into this, and let the kids know what role I have. But actually getting to the point where someone tells you that you aren't very good at the thing you have wanted to do since year dot was heartbreaking. I am forever being told how patient I am, how I have a way with children, how I will make a brilliant teacher and so on. But it's getting to the point now where I need to be a good teacher, and I don't like that I don't feel like I am. I am trying not to take it to heart, as the man also commented on my trousers because they were grey, and wasn't sure if it was appropriate enough.


A decent relationship?
I am in a full blown relationship. I am content, happy, and not thinking about anyone else. But I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I am with, I will be constantly insecure about their unhappiness or boredom from being with me. Russell is not much of a talker, and will not talk about how he feels willingly very much. I wouldn't even say that I push him to find things out a lot, but I feel like I do. I feel like I am digging a lot of the time for what I want to hear, and I'm not sure if I ever get it. He tells me that this is the only real relationship he's had, and that he is happy. But in a way that makes me more scared because what if it's shit? What if he feels crap about it, but has nothing to compare it to so won't know that he doesn't really like me? He is a strong person, and he knows his own mind I guess. But I worry constantly that I am boring to him, or that we don't have the same connection as he does with some of his other friends. I don't want it to just be about sex. I care about him so much, and he has taught me so much about myself but I worry too that because this is a big thing for him, the sex is sort of overpowering the other components that make up our relationship. I'm not sure. I know I'm over-thinking, because to be honest it is genuinely good. But I will always feel insecure enough about something to pick holes in it, and I hate that.


'Getting by'
I have this recent constant urge that there is something more that I need to be doing. Everything is taking a lot of time to do at the moment, and there is so much that I feel like I want to do, but I am really fearful of never getting the time to do it. The reality is, I will eventually find a way to make time to do it when I have more of a routine, and can cope a bit more with everything. But there is a fear that this will come at the expense of letting other people down. I feel like I am often at a crossroads about making a decision that will benefit myself in one direction, and someone else in another. I always take someone else's direction. I think this might be because I'm scared of what will happen if I take my own, even if it is something mediocre. I don't trust myself at all, and if I make a huge decision for myself, there will be no-one else to blame but myself when it inevitably screws up.

Weird Things (or 'An Unshamed Dramatic Vomit')

Things are socially horrible at the moment. And through no fault of my own. Observe.

1. Chris

The obvious. I still feel totally powerless to do anything about this, even though it is overtaking my thoughts and is without doubt the most important thing in my life at the moment, which is so ridiculous considering the amount of work I should be concentrating on. This is nothing like I've ever felt before, I am fine to get on everyday and do what I need to, but I feel physically changed inside, like something is definitely gone. I've had awful breakups in the past, but I now know that they were so awful because there was so much bad blood surrounding them. There is nothing wrong with this one, and I'm not sure if that's what makes it harder, or if I just can't admit the truth yet. I think I might have been in love.

2. Darryl and Matt

This one is shortlived, I'll be over it in a couple of days. But I can't help feeling a bit disgusted by it. I can hide behind the 'you're a weird childsnatcher' stance, which does have it's own truths and merits, as there is a large 6 year age gap, even though the social and moral ages are probably quite similar. I don't know what it is with Darryl that gets to me so much, maybe it's because of his age that I feel a little responsible. Maybe it's the fact that, while I know I'm not really that interested, I still feel a bit put out that we've had so many opportunities, but nothing has ever happened between us. Then I think... maybe this will be the thing that will bring them both into the real world, properly. No more messing around, an actual real relationship and emotion from the both of them. I know I can feel nothing but pity for Matt, but I can't help but want something good for him, even if it finally makes him grow up and accept responsibility for what an awful, awful person he's been to me. We have to let it go though, don't we?

3. Russell Hayward

I don't know if I'm ready. The attention is nice, but I feel awful when he flirts. I can't give him anything back, and I think he is quite aware. I will go, and I will be good company and I will try to be 100% and act like I'm together and would be an amazing boyfriend. But I don't think I can put my heart in it. Plus... he's Darryl's best mate. All kinds of sick double dating scenarios are rolling around in my head, and I don't want to be tarred with the same brush I know so many people have painted with. Fuck. Not even one date and I'm already thinking of reasons to back out. Man up.

4. 'Everybody text J weekend'

David. Jack. Scott. John. Shaun.

And ALL of them without any prompting or conversation. Since I have vowed to 'forgive and forget, but leave the past in the past', I have found it so much easier to let these people go. Yeah, I have the blips where I  scrounge around to try and find some kind of link between us, but when I find there isn't I'm usually quite satisfied. In these people's heads though, I'm still that person that always leaves the door open, and always has a smile for them. And that person ALWAYS ends up getting the door slammed in their face pretty soon after. I text 3 of 5 back. Which is pretty much a fail.

5. Thom and Stuart

I got confirmation that it actually happened. I still think about Thom all the time, he is the literal definition of 'the one that got away', and probably always will be. The way Thom explained the situation to me really shocked me though... I never realised Stuart has made anyone else feel that trapped before. In my head, I know it was just a one night stand between them (and not even that, Stuart would still never actually have sex with anyone), but with talk of drugging and not remembering what went on from Thom, I really don't know. I hate that I have to admit that I don't really know Stuart, and probably never did. That I relied on someone for so much, without really knowing them at all. I don't think any of us do. I don't think he even does. What I do know, is that Thom will be in my life no matter what he does. He's fit, and he's funny, and I'm okay with having him consistently fuck up in front of me, but still come back every now and again and tell me how much of a good, yet brief boyfriend I was. One day, eh?

6. Nathan Rutherford

WHY DID I HAVE A SEX DREAM ABOUT NATHAN RUTHERFORD?!

=(

Paris Je T'aime

Soon.

Mephedrone

I feel like the whole experience has been a constant placebo.

I don't know what to believe, don't know how to feel about it.

Feel dirty, like something has gone missing from me now, a strand of naievety or innocence I won't be able to get back.

I said to Chris last night, it's on a moral parallel to losing your virginity.

I felt safe, I felt comfortable.

The past couple of weeks have been a total headfuck as it is, but in the best possible way.

My life is moving unbelievably fast at the moment.

Faster, for that brief second half of the night.

I don't want to think the people that I met weren't amazing.

I didn't feel under any illusion, or euphoria, or I didn't have any kind of ridiculous hallucination or out of body experience.

So therefore... having such a good time shouldn't have to come at such a price where there is so much doubt. It wasn't about fitting in at all - there was no pressure to do or to not. To be fair, I'm not sure if anyone would have noticed. In retrospect though, it will stand me in good stead, not just with Chris' mates, but in my own security about situations like that.

As much as I wasn't willing to embrace it, I did enjoy the feeling of naieveity to it all, and if anything it makes me more confident in Chris as a person - I felt totally secure with using his leg as my comfort blanket, holding his hand was like a life raft that made me realise that even though the situation was a long way out of my comfor zone, there was a definite sense that there wasn't anything wrong about it.

What I have learned, which I probably knew in a sense before, but not with such an immediacy, is that my brain can entirely shut itself off from any other important (or mundane, for that matter) thought as soon as there is an element of conflict or panic.

I wouldn't even call it an argument (another of Chris' bonuses - inability to argue!), more a realisation that I had once again been naieve to a situation. I would love to ideally blame it on the mephadrone and the fact that my mind was racing, but we both honestly knew it was much more deep-set than that. My ability to escalate a situation into a full-scale panic is second to none, and I know it is something I need to control.

Using mephadrone as a trigger to alert me to this has probably been the most helpful aspect of the whole experience. Although I did feel a change, it was almost a sense of clarity - I was far surer about what I wanted, what I was doing, and how I ideally wanted to deal with it. The increased social aspect is an apparent effect, but I felt like it only brought it out of me rather than placing it on me as if it never existed before. I acted like I would with friends who knew me better - therein lies the comfortability, false or not.

I said to Alice this morning - it was as if my brain was functioning perfectly, I was having normal conversation, saying relevant things, being a bit drunk, but in order to recall or replay what I had said, there was almost a 2 second delay. I had to really think about what had just come out of my mouth, but I trusted my own instinct enough to know that it wouldn't be inappropriate. In a sense, I was just watching myself have a good conversation, but I was reading a transcript of it at the same time, so my reading was slightly behind the spoken words. Yeah... I'm sure that makes perfect sense.

Barf.

The one thing I am sure of due to this whole experience is how amazing Chris is.
This boy means an awful lot to me, and I don't think I can stress that enough.
I'm not letting this one go without a fight.
Proper falling.

I Think

It's real.

Please don't prove me wrong.

This is the start.

Track it.

(Wednesday,  30th September 2009)

Love This.

Vertigo

Astounding film. I am completely amazed by what Hitchcock did. I'm not a film student, and I would never profess to be, but when i trigger than a director has a specific style and way of working that speaks to me, or affects me, if makes me want to know more about why things are done the way they are, or how directing in such a way works.

I don't usually get taken in by old films, but whenever I sit down to watch a Hitchcock film I feel such a sense of romanticism - be it the orchestral opening credits, and then splashes of strings interspersed throughout to accent especially emotional moments, or the dull, muffled way the speech is recorded. I love being taken back.

Vertigo is brilliantly executed. I love the on-location shots, the way Hitchcock frames everything so the use of height is a massive focus. Gradiose structure, cloudless distant skies and appartments in high-rises all add to the tone of distance, also giving the viewer an inadvertent sense of vertigo themselves.
Hitchcock does wonderful things with relationships, and Vertigo is no exception.
The weaving of a passionate affair between James Stewart and Kim Novak is played out in a way that is so romantically perfect, that you almost feel guilty yourself for drawing doubt in what is ultimately an extremely flawed situation.

Novak is spellbinding as an almost ghost-like (funny, given the conclusion!) suicidal femme fatale, who excuses her actions by being 'overtaken' by a woman wanting to kill herself. The way the viewer sizes this up is ultimately how romantically linked to the film they are - her character's demise is undoubtedly tragic due to the love affair, but in reality she is totally insane, and Stewart is more of a fool in the first place for falling for her.

While Novak's suicide is easily the most tense event of the film, the truly scary realisation comes with the conclusion, as Barbara Bel Geddes is slowly transformed into the character Stewart wants her to be. His morbid fascination with height, death, and Novak's suicide leads him to live out the 'one final thing I have to do. Then I'll be free of the past.'

While Bel Geddes is clearly not Novak in any way, this makes her transformation even more shocking. When Stewart propositions her 'I need you to be Madeleine for a while. Then we'll both be free', you feel shocked for an instant that she is even considering going along with it, even for the good of Stewart's own sanity. How has a strong woman like herself got caught up in such an insane situation, in a love affair that doesn't even involve her? She is forced to play Stewart's insane twisted game, to play a part she has no idea how to play. Her naieve lies fuel his insanity, in turn sealing her own fate.

Herein lies the true tragedy; a forced love, a forced identity, and eventually a forced suicide.

Return to Equilibrium

I'm having one of those nights where everything has fallen into place a bit more.

This summer, I sunk myself into work whole-heartedly, not complaining and just getting on with it. Every day.

I really liked having the routine - there was no here and there, or on or off. There was just up, work, finish.

There was no-one else involved, my evenings were my own, and I had the capability to choose if I wanted to see people.

It made me realise that for a long time I've probably just been socialising because it's what I feel I should do, not because I actually want to. That feeling came screaming back when I moved back to Winchester. I felt like there was an open book, a huge list of things that I had to do now I was back. In reality, the things I had to do were fairly mundane, but just the fact that I did have things to do that were out of my control, and in the back of my mind through the Summer made me stress out.

I made mistakes early. Fucked things up. It seemed like the worst thing, that familiar feeling of making something shit after it was going really well again. But in retrospect, we were both two parties of the same game. I knew what I was expecting, and I knew it would end badly.

I never stop giving chances. But maybe this time I should just not wait for the chance to be given. If there isn't a chance to take, I can't forgive and forget, right?

So that issue was settled quickly, and with little upset. Surprising, but then again not considering the amount of shit we have gone through already. It does make you think whether a line will ever be drawn, though.

I sincerely doubt it.

I'm getting organised.

I've found a good niche for myself, and even though the work isn't flowing out of my pores, the opportunity to do it is. I've made a lot of lists. Allowed time for myself to do specific things. For the first time in years and years, possibly ever, I have a diary which I am sticking to and using. My time is precious, and I'm using it wisely. 'Conscientious', my tutor called it. I liked that. I'm doing okay, I've set myself up for a lot of good things to happen. I just need to find the motivation to make them happen, I guess.

This past week should be a good indication of the rest of the year.

Nothing is brilliant, everything is pretty mundane. But I have had obstacles, problems and I have handled them with a good attitude, and a forward-thinking head. I am ready to work hard, and I am ready to not have a breakdown because I have to work hard.

I just need to keep breathing, and not get ahead of myself.

It's okay, right now.