Things are socially horrible at the moment. And through no fault of my own. Observe.
1. Chris
The obvious. I still feel totally powerless to do anything about this, even though it is overtaking my thoughts and is without doubt the most important thing in my life at the moment, which is so ridiculous considering the amount of work I should be concentrating on. This is nothing like I've ever felt before, I am fine to get on everyday and do what I need to, but I feel physically changed inside, like something is definitely gone. I've had awful breakups in the past, but I now know that they were so awful because there was so much bad blood surrounding them. There is nothing wrong with this one, and I'm not sure if that's what makes it harder, or if I just can't admit the truth yet. I think I might have been in love.
2. Darryl and Matt
This one is shortlived, I'll be over it in a couple of days. But I can't help feeling a bit disgusted by it. I can hide behind the 'you're a weird childsnatcher' stance, which does have it's own truths and merits, as there is a large 6 year age gap, even though the social and moral ages are probably quite similar. I don't know what it is with Darryl that gets to me so much, maybe it's because of his age that I feel a little responsible. Maybe it's the fact that, while I know I'm not really that interested, I still feel a bit put out that we've had so many opportunities, but nothing has ever happened between us. Then I think... maybe this will be the thing that will bring them both into the real world, properly. No more messing around, an actual real relationship and emotion from the both of them. I know I can feel nothing but pity for Matt, but I can't help but want something good for him, even if it finally makes him grow up and accept responsibility for what an awful, awful person he's been to me. We have to let it go though, don't we?
3. Russell Hayward
I don't know if I'm ready. The attention is nice, but I feel awful when he flirts. I can't give him anything back, and I think he is quite aware. I will go, and I will be good company and I will try to be 100% and act like I'm together and would be an amazing boyfriend. But I don't think I can put my heart in it. Plus... he's Darryl's best mate. All kinds of sick double dating scenarios are rolling around in my head, and I don't want to be tarred with the same brush I know so many people have painted with. Fuck. Not even one date and I'm already thinking of reasons to back out. Man up.
4. 'Everybody text J weekend'
David. Jack. Scott. John. Shaun.
And ALL of them without any prompting or conversation. Since I have vowed to 'forgive and forget, but leave the past in the past', I have found it so much easier to let these people go. Yeah, I have the blips where I scrounge around to try and find some kind of link between us, but when I find there isn't I'm usually quite satisfied. In these people's heads though, I'm still that person that always leaves the door open, and always has a smile for them. And that person ALWAYS ends up getting the door slammed in their face pretty soon after. I text 3 of 5 back. Which is pretty much a fail.
5. Thom and Stuart
I got confirmation that it actually happened. I still think about Thom all the time, he is the literal definition of 'the one that got away', and probably always will be. The way Thom explained the situation to me really shocked me though... I never realised Stuart has made anyone else feel that trapped before. In my head, I know it was just a one night stand between them (and not even that, Stuart would still never actually have sex with anyone), but with talk of drugging and not remembering what went on from Thom, I really don't know. I hate that I have to admit that I don't really know Stuart, and probably never did. That I relied on someone for so much, without really knowing them at all. I don't think any of us do. I don't think he even does. What I do know, is that Thom will be in my life no matter what he does. He's fit, and he's funny, and I'm okay with having him consistently fuck up in front of me, but still come back every now and again and tell me how much of a good, yet brief boyfriend I was. One day, eh?
6. Nathan Rutherford
WHY DID I HAVE A SEX DREAM ABOUT NATHAN RUTHERFORD?!
=(
