I was aimlessly ambling along in this quite nice relationship, and I was content. Happy, and most definitely content. It wasn't blowing my mind instantly like things have before, but I found myself appreciating the fact that I didn't have to worry or assess myself far more of a comfort than the sudden instantness of past relationships.
I literally had no complaints.
So why did this happen? Why did I have to start the test?
I literally can't just let something lie, I have to push it to breaking point so I know it's true value.
And by doing that, I've devalued everything it stood for before.
I want it back, of course I do. I felt totally in control and positive about where it was going. I felt committed, and I will be the first to admit that commitment is something I struggle with. But there is this thing that still has me drawn in. It feels very similar to how it was left before, being stuck in 'limbo' while someone else makes the decision. I'm not even sure how I am in this situation - I was brave, and was the one who stated 'we aren't together now'.
I'm shitting myself, because this was supposed to be a test of how much I should mean to him.
How long is a test supposed to last?
Are we both singing from the same hymn-sheet?
Wait... have we actually broken up?
Shit...
