I'm having one of those nights where everything has fallen into place a bit more.
This summer, I sunk myself into work whole-heartedly, not complaining and just getting on with it. Every day.
I really liked having the routine - there was no here and there, or on or off. There was just up, work, finish.
There was no-one else involved, my evenings were my own, and I had the capability to choose if I wanted to see people.
It made me realise that for a long time I've probably just been socialising because it's what I feel I should do, not because I actually want to. That feeling came screaming back when I moved back to Winchester. I felt like there was an open book, a huge list of things that I had to do now I was back. In reality, the things I had to do were fairly mundane, but just the fact that I did have things to do that were out of my control, and in the back of my mind through the Summer made me stress out.
I made mistakes early. Fucked things up. It seemed like the worst thing, that familiar feeling of making something shit after it was going really well again. But in retrospect, we were both two parties of the same game. I knew what I was expecting, and I knew it would end badly.
I never stop giving chances. But maybe this time I should just not wait for the chance to be given. If there isn't a chance to take, I can't forgive and forget, right?
So that issue was settled quickly, and with little upset. Surprising, but then again not considering the amount of shit we have gone through already. It does make you think whether a line will ever be drawn, though.
I sincerely doubt it.
I'm getting organised.
I've found a good niche for myself, and even though the work isn't flowing out of my pores, the opportunity to do it is. I've made a lot of lists. Allowed time for myself to do specific things. For the first time in years and years, possibly ever, I have a diary which I am sticking to and using. My time is precious, and I'm using it wisely. 'Conscientious', my tutor called it. I liked that. I'm doing okay, I've set myself up for a lot of good things to happen. I just need to find the motivation to make them happen, I guess.
This past week should be a good indication of the rest of the year.
Nothing is brilliant, everything is pretty mundane. But I have had obstacles, problems and I have handled them with a good attitude, and a forward-thinking head. I am ready to work hard, and I am ready to not have a breakdown because I have to work hard.
I just need to keep breathing, and not get ahead of myself.
It's okay, right now.
