Off my chest (1)

Despite the fact that I have never understood the concept of 'getting it off your chest' (surely what you need to remove is in your brain, not your chest?) I have decided that blogging about how I feel is not necessarily a bad thing if it helps me organise myself a little more. By all means this does not signify a change of pace for this blog, and I am in no way willing to use it entirely as a diary. However the whole purpose of it was for me to remember the important stuff. And some of this stuff might be worth remembering.

School and my future
I got a huge knock this week. One of my observations for a taught lesson went badly, almost verging on a fail as I later found out. While I would fully admit that I was struggling with the class so far, behaviour wise more than anything I would in no way say that they were beyond my control, and I still felt as if my role as teacher was beginning to stick. So the idea that I could have failed altogether did come as a shock. I took on board and identified with everything that got thrown at me, and know I need to improve on it. It is still early days, and it will clearly take time to adapt into this, and let the kids know what role I have. But actually getting to the point where someone tells you that you aren't very good at the thing you have wanted to do since year dot was heartbreaking. I am forever being told how patient I am, how I have a way with children, how I will make a brilliant teacher and so on. But it's getting to the point now where I need to be a good teacher, and I don't like that I don't feel like I am. I am trying not to take it to heart, as the man also commented on my trousers because they were grey, and wasn't sure if it was appropriate enough.


A decent relationship?
I am in a full blown relationship. I am content, happy, and not thinking about anyone else. But I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I am with, I will be constantly insecure about their unhappiness or boredom from being with me. Russell is not much of a talker, and will not talk about how he feels willingly very much. I wouldn't even say that I push him to find things out a lot, but I feel like I do. I feel like I am digging a lot of the time for what I want to hear, and I'm not sure if I ever get it. He tells me that this is the only real relationship he's had, and that he is happy. But in a way that makes me more scared because what if it's shit? What if he feels crap about it, but has nothing to compare it to so won't know that he doesn't really like me? He is a strong person, and he knows his own mind I guess. But I worry constantly that I am boring to him, or that we don't have the same connection as he does with some of his other friends. I don't want it to just be about sex. I care about him so much, and he has taught me so much about myself but I worry too that because this is a big thing for him, the sex is sort of overpowering the other components that make up our relationship. I'm not sure. I know I'm over-thinking, because to be honest it is genuinely good. But I will always feel insecure enough about something to pick holes in it, and I hate that.


'Getting by'
I have this recent constant urge that there is something more that I need to be doing. Everything is taking a lot of time to do at the moment, and there is so much that I feel like I want to do, but I am really fearful of never getting the time to do it. The reality is, I will eventually find a way to make time to do it when I have more of a routine, and can cope a bit more with everything. But there is a fear that this will come at the expense of letting other people down. I feel like I am often at a crossroads about making a decision that will benefit myself in one direction, and someone else in another. I always take someone else's direction. I think this might be because I'm scared of what will happen if I take my own, even if it is something mediocre. I don't trust myself at all, and if I make a huge decision for myself, there will be no-one else to blame but myself when it inevitably screws up.