Peeping Tom

Off my chest (1)

Despite the fact that I have never understood the concept of 'getting it off your chest' (surely what you need to remove is in your brain, not your chest?) I have decided that blogging about how I feel is not necessarily a bad thing if it helps me organise myself a little more. By all means this does not signify a change of pace for this blog, and I am in no way willing to use it entirely as a diary. However the whole purpose of it was for me to remember the important stuff. And some of this stuff might be worth remembering.

School and my future
I got a huge knock this week. One of my observations for a taught lesson went badly, almost verging on a fail as I later found out. While I would fully admit that I was struggling with the class so far, behaviour wise more than anything I would in no way say that they were beyond my control, and I still felt as if my role as teacher was beginning to stick. So the idea that I could have failed altogether did come as a shock. I took on board and identified with everything that got thrown at me, and know I need to improve on it. It is still early days, and it will clearly take time to adapt into this, and let the kids know what role I have. But actually getting to the point where someone tells you that you aren't very good at the thing you have wanted to do since year dot was heartbreaking. I am forever being told how patient I am, how I have a way with children, how I will make a brilliant teacher and so on. But it's getting to the point now where I need to be a good teacher, and I don't like that I don't feel like I am. I am trying not to take it to heart, as the man also commented on my trousers because they were grey, and wasn't sure if it was appropriate enough.


A decent relationship?
I am in a full blown relationship. I am content, happy, and not thinking about anyone else. But I have come to the conclusion that no matter who I am with, I will be constantly insecure about their unhappiness or boredom from being with me. Russell is not much of a talker, and will not talk about how he feels willingly very much. I wouldn't even say that I push him to find things out a lot, but I feel like I do. I feel like I am digging a lot of the time for what I want to hear, and I'm not sure if I ever get it. He tells me that this is the only real relationship he's had, and that he is happy. But in a way that makes me more scared because what if it's shit? What if he feels crap about it, but has nothing to compare it to so won't know that he doesn't really like me? He is a strong person, and he knows his own mind I guess. But I worry constantly that I am boring to him, or that we don't have the same connection as he does with some of his other friends. I don't want it to just be about sex. I care about him so much, and he has taught me so much about myself but I worry too that because this is a big thing for him, the sex is sort of overpowering the other components that make up our relationship. I'm not sure. I know I'm over-thinking, because to be honest it is genuinely good. But I will always feel insecure enough about something to pick holes in it, and I hate that.


'Getting by'
I have this recent constant urge that there is something more that I need to be doing. Everything is taking a lot of time to do at the moment, and there is so much that I feel like I want to do, but I am really fearful of never getting the time to do it. The reality is, I will eventually find a way to make time to do it when I have more of a routine, and can cope a bit more with everything. But there is a fear that this will come at the expense of letting other people down. I feel like I am often at a crossroads about making a decision that will benefit myself in one direction, and someone else in another. I always take someone else's direction. I think this might be because I'm scared of what will happen if I take my own, even if it is something mediocre. I don't trust myself at all, and if I make a huge decision for myself, there will be no-one else to blame but myself when it inevitably screws up.

Soylent Green

Sweet Institution

Kim Jong Il Propaganda Posters

Trees on Mars

These are actually formed by trails of sand being dislodged by avalanches close to the planet's north pole.

It really made me think though - an image being beamed back of something like this is potentially world-changing. I'm doubtful that there is any kind of fully-fledged alien colony just waiting to be discovered by us, but something as simple as a tree growing is huge. I hope it happens in my lifetime.

Fragile Dreams: Farwell Ruins of the Moon

Wrote about this one a while ago, back when it was just codenamed 'Fragile'. Now the build is nearing completion, it is sounding really intriguing. Will definitely be getting this, and I like the fact that it is one of the first Wii games that has interested me without using shaking or waggling as a novel incentive.

"  Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon is as beautiful and dreamy as the title implies. Described as an adventure game, Fragile Dreams borrows elements from the survival horror genre, but what sets this game apart are the striking visuals and character designs from the team at Tri-Crescendo, the developer behind the gorgeous-looking Eternal Sonata. We had an opportunity to play a preview build of Fragile Dreams and found ourselves quickly absorbed in this lonely postapocalyptic world.

You play as a young boy named Seto, who has been abandoned and is utterly alone in the world after his elderly guardian dies. All you're left with is a flashlight and a note that tells you to head to a glowing red tower in the distance and that there may be other survivors. You won't learn too much about this boy's past initially, other than that he didn't even know the old man's name. As you set out into the vast and desolate wilderness, it seems that you could very well be the only person alive. However, early on you bump into a charming silver-haired girl who runs off at the first sight of you, and your goal is to find her and hopefully others.

We ventured into the ruins of a subway station in hopes of finding the girl, but instead heard a female robotic voice asking for help. After following the plea into an empty room, we found that it was a personal frame, a metallic boxlike device with a woman's voice designed to interact with humans based on their emotional response. We took the device with us, and it acted as our guide, feeding us with useful information as well as guiding us to our next goal. As you explore the world, you can set up a bonfire whenever you come across a fire pit, which acts as a save point and a spot for you to rest. We also came across a bizarre person who appeared to be wearing a giant mascot chicken head, and he would stop by when we were resting to sell items. We played for a few hours, wandering through the debris and empty corridors of the subway station, armed only with a flashlight in one hand and a bamboo sword in the other.

Glowing jelly-like enemies will appear and are described by the AI device as the manifestation of dead people's emotions. If you point your flashlight at them, they will slow down enough for you to beat them with your sword. Other hostile creatures that we encountered included vicious dogs, and while we made our way through a deserted train, long white outstretched arms clawed at us from windows. Seto isn't really trained to fight, so every time you push the A button, he swings wildly ahead, but as long as you keep your flashlight out and time your attack, you'll survive. Frequent bonfire checkpoints are always available for you to return to if you do need a respite. The Wii Remote's unique functionality is used quite a bit because it's your only source of light. As you wave it around to illuminate dark corridors, you can also bring it up to your ear to hear what your artificial friend has to say. Fireflies will hover around points of interest, but if you want to examine anything more closely, you point with the remote and hold the B button to zoom into a first-person view. Most of the time, it doesn't seem like there's anything to see up close. But sometimes you'll hear a noise come out of the remote's speaker, and if you point the remote in the right direction and move closer to the source, the sounds will increase until you see what you're up against or find what you're looking for. Not only are you using your eyes to scan the dark environments with a flashlight to catch enemies, but you have to rely on your audio senses too, because the sounds and even the music will hint at what's coming.

The audio as well as the game's visuals are definitely Fragile Dream's strong suit at this point. As you carefully explore the dismal surroundings, you can't help but admire the remains of a poster on the wall or the trash that has been carelessly pushed to the side. When you do make it aboveground, the view of the sky is spectacular and there are traces of life that have somehow survived to give you some hope that there might be a happy ending to this otherwise depressing story. You can choose to play with the original Japanese voices or switch the voices to English; either way, the voice acting is very well done, and you can feel the loneliness and despair in Seto's voice. The music chimes in when appropriate, generally when something dangerous is lurking nearby, to make you feel a bit tense. You will never really feel scared, even though the gameplay is set up like a survival horror game, and we haven't come across any moments that will make you jump out of your seat.  "

Review from Gamespot

Blissful Ignorance

"To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle."

  

George Orwell

Ke$ha - Dancing with Tears in my Eyes

WHY DO I EVEN LIKE THIS?

I know full well how awful it is.

I don't understand her image, the campaign, or why people are buying into her.

The whole album is about being a drunk whore.

WHY WHY WHY.

Here we go

welcome to my funeral

without you, I don't even have a pulse

all alone, it's dark and cold

with every move I die.

Here I goThis is my confessionalA lost causeI am so delusionalWith every move I die.
I have destroyed our love,It's gonePayback is sick,It's all my fault.
I'm dancing with tears in my eyesJust fighting to get through the nightI'm losing it...With every move I die.
I'm fading,I'm broken insideI've wasted the love of my lifeI'm losing itWith every move I die.
When did I become such a hypocrite?Double life, full of lies that you caught me inTrust me, I'm paying for it.With every move I die.
On the floorI am just a zombie.Who I am, is not who I wanna beI'm such a tragedy...With every move I die.
This is is and now you're really gone this timeNever once thought I'd be in pieces left behind.

Dragonette - Liar

Thinking about getting the first album, it definitely passed me by the first time around.

Sugary, but feels like quite an accomplished, adult album at the same time.

Plus, LOOK AT THAT FOR A COVER.

Don't stand too close to me
If you're left alone with me... uh oh.
And leave that door opened
Get someone to keep us company

Cause I've been making up a list of things I'd do to you
As we would dance on either side of the room
But it's too late, I'd never say it
Anyway, I'm taken and we're both leaving with who we came

Somewhere you're sleeping it off
But I'm wide awake
Chasing a runaway thought
So come on say it!

You could feel it too
Don't hide - You liar!
Some kind of thunder inside
Don't speak, don't breathe
Don't touch the fire
It's gonna burn us alive

I know you could feel it too
I saw you - Liar!
Standing off, run away
One look, one touch
We won't survive it
It's gonna burn us alive

But I've come to close to this
I rub myself against it, oh no!
I can't touch it but I feel it
Can't use it but I need it, Oh!

Oh no, you don't fool me
But I can keep a secret
I can read it like you wrote it all down
And I'm not looking for your love
But we would do it well
And that's the thing I can't stop thinking about

Somewhere you're sleeping it off
But I'm wide awake
Chasing a runaway thought
Just try proving me wrong
But I'll find a way to
Make you confess to it all 

I wanna wrestle with the savage creature - I can
Well think of jump up and eat you
Some covet cause it's human nature
But I'm coming to the core: Attention!
Some love is got a built-in heater
Some heat is gotta catch on fire
Put it out while you still can
You know, you play with fire...
You gonna get burn!

Rihanna - Hard

Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page

Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body, and can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly and can you kneel before the king and say ‘I’m clean’, ‘I’m Clean’?

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page & a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, affections

But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Lead my to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life.