2pm - Matt
Went for lunch with Matt. In retrospect, this was pointless. While I was there, it was all fine. Not enjoyable, but in a space where I thought it might even be worth building on. But now I come away, I don't hate but just feel embarrassed for what he has become, and what reasoning he gave for why he remains happy. There is nothing left of the person I felt so much for, and nothing I can even grow to respect any more. There will always be a place for him, but something serious needs to change for me to embrace it.
5pm - Russell
I went to Russell's to drop off his birthday stuff. He wasn't even in. Fuck knows why, but I called him. Something which I rarely did when I was even with him. Maybe it was such a build up, I felt I needed to do something to make it known what I was doing, even to myself. He thanked me, it was awkward, but it was done. I didn't feel any better about it. Mug.
6pm - Ryan
Went for a drink with Ryan. Really really enjoying us getting along again. This isn't actually a moan at all, just making a point that I perhaps did too much in one day. I can openly talk to him about anything after all that's happened with us, and the thing I really like is he will give me advice and his view on it all, then take the piss and tell me I'm a dick. Basically, I need to laugh things off more because nothing is worth what I put myself through. If my relationship with him over the years has taught me anything, it should be that.
10pm - Shaun
I think I am playing with fire. But it feels so easy, and I don't want it to just be a back-up or a rebound. He shouldn't be like that, he should be so much more. He is one of the best. Glad I could end the day of doom with him. It sort of... puts it all into perspective a bit more.
