Oh Hey

That Island Boy

I’m such a heartless piece of shit.

Just going though, my room, and throwing out some old stuff.

Found a letter from a person who I think of every single day of my life,

Someone who I will always have a huge place in my heart for,

Someone who i treated so bad.

The biggest mistake i have ever made is letting you go.

I hate myself so much for what happened.

I’ve never lost intrest in you.

You are so perfect and I dont know why I never seen it before.

You understood me in a way like no other, you were the one person who i could tell anything to, even though i found it so hard.

I was immature, and stupid, and I cannot believe I gave up on you.

I’m sorry, I’m so so Sorry.

I will always have love for you.

I found this today as I was stalking.

As much as I still have a lot of contempt for Jack, and don't think I could ever be anywhere near on the level of friendship with him again after the way he acted during and after...

It's nice to know that someone, anyone, somewhere has once thought that about me.

He's a fuck up, but I still feel a huge sense of honour to have left an impression like that.

Right, self indulgence over. NEXT.

Saul Bass

Fringe

This is a really intelligent series that I definitely want to see more of.

It has the bizarre scripted shocks of Lost, but with a more settled reality like other long-running American serials.

I think it definitely takes a lot of cues from The X Files, but that is in no way a bad thing if the output is of this quality.

Robyn - Dancing on my Own

This is so uncontrollably sweet, if it wasn't so bangin' it would probably make me do a single tear.

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you at, I bet she's around
Yeah I know it's stupid
But I just got to see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
I'm givin' it my all, but I'm not the girl you're takin' home
I keep dancin' on my own

I'm just gonna dance all night
I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line
Stilettos and broken bottles
I'm spinning around in circles

So far away, but still so near
The lights go on, the music dies
But you don't see me, standing here
I just came to say goodbye

iamamiwhoami

Health - We Are Water

'Exploding the narrative' as Shaun would say.

Too Much Today

2pm - Matt

Went for lunch with Matt. In retrospect, this was pointless. While I was there, it was all fine. Not enjoyable, but in a space where I thought it might even be worth building on. But now I come away, I don't hate but  just feel embarrassed for what he has become, and what reasoning he gave for why he remains happy. There is nothing left of the person I felt so much for, and nothing I can even grow to respect any more. There will always be a place for him, but something serious needs to change for me to embrace it.

5pm - Russell

I went to Russell's to drop off his birthday stuff. He wasn't even in. Fuck knows why, but I called him. Something which I rarely did when I was even with him. Maybe it was such a build up, I felt I needed to do something to make it known what I was doing, even to myself. He thanked me, it was awkward, but it was done. I didn't feel any better about it. Mug.

6pm - Ryan

Went for a drink with Ryan. Really really enjoying us getting along again. This isn't actually a moan at all, just making a point that I perhaps did too much in one day. I can openly talk to him about anything after all that's happened with us, and the thing I really like is he will give me advice and his view on it all, then take the piss and tell me I'm a dick. Basically, I need to laugh things off more because nothing is worth what I put myself through. If my relationship with him over the years has taught me anything, it should be that.

10pm - Shaun

I think I am playing with fire. But it feels so easy, and I don't want it to just be a back-up or a rebound. He shouldn't be like that, he should be so much more. He is one of the best. Glad I could end the day of doom with him. It sort of... puts it all into perspective a bit more.

All Saints - Black Coffee

I always passed this up as 'their experimental phase' where they sort of... didn't really hit it off and lost some of their faux-girlband magic. In actual fact, this is their best work. The songwriting is exquisite, William Orbit has arranged the song brilliantly and the video is a washed-out, perfectly imagined piece with some brilliant shots.

Night Swimming

Beach walking

Always silent

Never talking

Then you call my name

And I know inside I love you

Sail away

I miss you more

Until you see the shore

There I will be waiting

Anticipating

Each moment is new

Freeze the moment

Each moment is cool

Freeze the moment

I wouldn't wanna be

Anywhere else but here

I wouldn't wanna change

Anything at all 

I wouldn't wanna take

Everything out on you

Though I know I do

Everytime I fall

Day dreaming

Chain smoking

Always laughin

Always jokin

I remain the same

Did I tell you that I love you

Brush your teeth 

And pour a cup of black coffee out 

I love to watch you do that every day

The little things that you do

Night swimming

Beach walking

Always silent

Never talking

Then you call my name

And I know inside I love you

Sail away

I miss you more

Until you see the shore

There I will be waiting

Anticipating 

Every Day The Same Dream

I love the subtlety of this little flash game.

The man, struggling to find his place in a monotonous society, is led by you through a typical day.

Subtle changes to his environment and his actions are key to 'success' in this game, although in my various attempts through it I have no found a positive outcome. Most days end in being fired, suicide, your wife leaving you, or running through a field of cows in your pants.

A really interesting comment on the monotony of modern life... ironically probably played by people sat in office cubicles at work, due to the 'flash game' nature of it's marketing.

How To Marry A Millionaire

I totally fell in love with this charming film.

I had an inkling that I wanted to watch a Monroe film, any Monroe film after I bought Russell's Valentine's presents, but I held off watching anything I bought him because I stupidly wanted it to be sacred, or something as equally pathetic.

However, after waiting a while I am so glad I watched this. The characterisation in this film is so spot on, it has made me doubt anything I have watched since. Films just aren't written with such flawless quality nowadays - I was totally taken in by Baccal's business-like approach to marriage, Grable's 'blonde ambition' to bag a man, and Monroe's reliance on beauty which eventually forces her to find love in a totally juxtaposed way.

In a way, I think I was naive in my own thinking about women in the film industry in Monroe's period; I thought it was all about beauty, selling a sexualised (but not too sexualised) idea to the movie-going public. This is partly due to her memory presented by the media in her death - one of a gorgeous, but ditzy startlet too invovled in her own success to notice her own downfall. In actual fact, Hollywood was indeed creating strong roles for actresses, roles that would shape how movies were written in the future and roles that would change how women were perceived in general. In a way, strong roles for women were more readily available then than they are now; you would be hard pressed to start your career in anything other than a screamo (first to die), a porno, or reality TV in today's celebrity climate.

While this film does present a lot of stereotpyed ideals about marriage and finding love (Grable's scenario especially), the strong and brilliantly acted leads more than balance this out. In fact, the 3 lead females completely outshine any performances from men in the picture. Perhaps this was a conscious move by the directors, as the film is after all a showcase for the biggest female stars at the time.

This was the cultural equivalent to Sex and the City, however, Baccal, Grable and Monroe bait and catch their men with far more class, style and polite flirtation (or in Baccal's case, complete defiance in acceptance of love) that there really is no comparison. I would much rather have women like this represented on screen nowadays than the shallow, over-sexed consumer-led crones from New York we are forced to embrace in today's cinema.

The Job

So I have this awesome new job.

But I know nothing about it.

Allow me to explain...

I went for it after it was listen as an 'SEN Teacher'. Great, I thought. Exactly what I want. And from what we had been told, any interview experience is good experience. So I went along to the school for a visit, spoke with the deputy head about the role.

Turns out it was more one-to-one based, and I would be more of a support assistant for a particular child, working with him in and out of school. This didn't put me off at all - in fact, I felt far more comfortable with that than I probably would with an actual teaching job. I still don't feel like I'm quite ready to be a teacher yet, I don't think I could cope. Perhaps this is because it's been built up for so long... I don't know. Maybe I found comfort in the new description of this job because it is pretty much what I do already, just in a more school-based context.

The more I found out about the job, the more intriguing it became.

The pay was a little shy of what I would be getting as a starting rate for teaching, and I would only really be involved in school 3 days a week. There would be afternoons where I would work with the child in his home, or in the community, but this would literally be the one-to-one client services that I started doing when I was 17. In essence... I am now pretty overqualified for this.

But that in a way spurs me on even more - in a recent meeting, I was introduced as a support assistant and carer. In the general heirachy of the meeting, I was bottom of the pile (and also newest). After a while, I started to show my colours a bit more and the other members of the team were surprised at what I knew. This made me feel even more like I was in the right position to deal with this properly. I want to research things, put plans together, work with an attitude to move things forward for this kid. His family are lovely, and are in the position where they don't know much about what is going on and aren't being told. If anything, being a mediator is a position I am more than willing to take up.

As shocked as I am about how easy it seemed to land a job, I am still conscious of the fact I am not 'teaching' in the same route that I started the course to follow. But four years is a long time. Long enough for ideas and aims to change, and definitely long enough for you to be put off something.

I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. And the more that I find out, the more excited I get.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have something solid to hold on to, and a genuine sense of direction.

Just thought it was worth noting.

Jamie T - Emily's Heart

Bottle of wine, and an old 45, 

rifle in the corner that her grandfather left her when he died, 

Said no surprise, 

I’ve had to use it quite a few times, 

So Jay, don’t you ever let us down, 

Don’t you ever, 

I’ll have to shoot you and no one will hear a sound.

Bruised and bloody, I’m lying on the ground, 

And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, 

Now I’m dying, as a message to the town, 

This what happens, if you fuck around, 

So meddle if you want trouble, 

trouble then you should meddle, 

But don’t ever meddle with Emily’s heart… 

She said, get your coat, come on, 

To the dog track with the money right, 

Yeah we had some fun, 

Left with more ‘cause we won, 

I was under investigation on suspicion of doing her wrong, 

She said, 

You’ve become a villain, accused of a hit and run, 

Said, she hit me first, and I, say it’s the worst that I ever felt, 

In a broken heart. 

Bloodstains on her shirt crease and, hope she pays the dues, 

When I left she said,

that your last breath will be down by the station at 2, 

Swear she shot me down. 

Bruised and bloody, I’m lying on the ground, 

And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, 

Now I’m dying, as a message to the town, 

This what happens, if you fuck around, 

So whenever, you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, 

But don’t ever meddle with Emily’s heart… 

She said I’m a user, and she’s a loser with a gun, 

I said 'if you choose to it becomes hard to include anyone, 

So if you stay, put it away, or should I run?' 

She said 'I think you know the answer to your question.' 

So for the smiles, and all of the miles that the engine’s done, 

The further I drive away the closer we become, 

So if I stay, would you put it away, and forgive this one son? 

She said 'Jay, I think you know the answer to your question.'