Labor Pains and Oreos

I spent the first half of my weekend with Ben.
I had a really nice time.
I don't know what I was expecting out of it at all, I kind of expected all sorts at the beginning, it was amazing to be excited again.
But something really hit me the beginning of the week, and I found it hard to correlate where all my thoughts were fitting in.
Getting confused about how I felt about putting myself at risk again, let alone how I could feel about anyone else.

I know that I am defintely still raw, and a weekend away isn't going to fix it.
As much as I made myself think that I was on a break and that I could relax, I was conscious the whole time that I didn't actually know Ben.
That is'nt to his detriment at all, I do feel as if there is something worthwhile there, and it was no way a wasted trip.

What I do know is that I can't do it right now.
I don't know what he is expecting, and that is the thing that screws me up the most. I know from the limited time we've spoken that he is probably not one of those who can recover at the drop of the hat. Then again, I think that about everyone, and am always horrified at the speed people can turn. Probably need to work on that.

I think he probably knew there was a distance between us. I hope he knew I wasn't fully there. I like him a lot, and I think there's a definite place in my life for him, I just don't really know what it is.

And to be honest, there's going to have to be a lot of effort (on my part, I presume seeing as I have the car) if anything was ever to happen. Bristol was a long, expensive drive and I am not prepared to do it on even a semi-regular basis. From a practical reasoning, it's dead before it began.

Maybe that's an excuse.
Maybe I need to stop writing a diary entry?! Jeez.