Build-up to a breakdown?

Something pretty shit is happening, I reckon.
I've got something that is fine, comfortable, something to work on, someone to work on, etc. etc.

But it still isn't enough, is it? I'm at the stage where I'm bored, and I'll let it fade out, be awkward, not speak, and probably then blame it on them because 'there was nothing wrong my end, it must have been you that didn't talk to me.'

I'm an awful shirker of this emotional responsibility, and it is ironic that I am so good at heaping out advice on dealing with similar situations on others. Whether they like it or not.

But at the moment, I'm getting this weird sense of being outside of all the fuck ups I'm making, all the new connections I'm trying to forge and all the objective new emotions I'm forcing on people, telling them that I'm feeling them when I'm probably ultimately not. That's the thing though, I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling for any one person at any given time. When they are there, when they are at the front of my mind (or in front of my face) they are what I want, the only thing I want, and therefore there isn't a problem. Which is lovely. But when they go home, I'll be looking for someone else to fill the void.

I need that intoxication again, that kind of feeling that I only get when it's REALLY good, and I need that sort of hope that even though we've usually both resigned ourselves to the fact that it won't work, such as life, there is just this tiny glimmer where if we block out everyone else, we'll probably be alright. And in time, people probably won't care.

I miss the person that can bring that out of me. I want to find a new one of those, not just the white noise and replacements that I seem to be queueing up for myself over and over again. I think I'm bored of being the guilty one. I want to be the one that puts themself on the line again.

I quite like feeling vulnerable, it's exciting.